What If We Were Drowning
by anja-chan
Summary: Suzaku/Lelouch, based off SlvrSoleAlchmst1's "What If." How Suzaku and Lelouch get to Kaminejima after Schneizel tries to blow them up with the Avalon's hadron cannons. MUCH YAOI.


_Author's note: Okay, for those who might be confused upon first reading, this is a fanfic based off a fanfic. FIRST READ "What If" BY SLVRSOLEALCHMST1. If you don't, you'll probably lose a lot of what's going on and all the references/parallels I make to her work. PLUS, HER STUFF IS GOOD TO READ. Obviously, it must be if it inspired me to write this._

_Anyway, that being said, this is for SlvrSoleAlchmst1 because we talked about it and I need to get back into writing after my poor computer was gone for a few weeks being repaired. Build myself back up with something fun. :D 3 Also, to Angelic Demoness because she sent me the song "Structure" by Innerpartysystem which helped get me in my writing zone and most of this was written to that song on repeat. I believe there's a good Suzaku/Lelouch video to that song as well, but the Demoness could direct you there before I could._

_Anyway, Lelouch is a bit cracky and all over the place emotionally, but... er, let's just say he was under a lot of strain recently? I mean, seriously. He is. This was fun to write, but I didn't bother as much as I normally do keeping more mentally in character versus the smut factor. Let's face it, I wrote this for the smut factor and so when it looked like the smut might not happen as much, I tweaked it so it did. And boy, did it happen._

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**XXX**

**What If We Were Drowning**

**XXX**

"This is what you do when I tell you to live? Throw yourself into the ocean and then fall unconscious?" Lelouch asked rhetorically to the limp body of his friend. His voice was washed with bitterness and hurt at the recent turn of events as his purple eyes grazed over Suzaku's form. The Japanese boy's head hung back, throat exposed and outstretched off of his pilot seat. Vulnerable in a way he had stopped showing Lelouch since he had begun turning to the army for his answers.

Lelouch looked away, trying to stifle his own bitterness. He should respect Suzaku's wish in that, right? His teeth clenched. There was no sense trying to get his friend to open up if Suzaku didn't want to. The boy had always been stubborn and often seemed to enjoy disagreeing vehemently with Lelouch on any given subject.

Lelouch felt a lump in his throat. Why had he even bothered saving Suzaku? Why were they even friends? Why was he here, now, sitting across from Suzaku, wanting him, and yet not knowing why?

Lelouch tucked his knees up under his chin, his head aching from whatever it had hit against the cockpit walls in their initial fall. Maybe he would die here anyway and it was pointless to worry and wonder, hoping about what ifs. He pulled his knees closer with his arms, snuggling into his own body for comfort. His eyes drifted back to Suzaku's prone form.

He looked so... different. Without the angry glare that was directed at the intellect beneath the helmet, Suzaku's face was relaxed. Peaceful. His chestnut hair didn't move in the still air of the cockpit, but ached to be touched. Without Suzaku's soldiering instincts showing, Lelouch found it even harder to fight down his impulse to slip his fingers into Suzaku'a hair, smooth them across Suzaku's cheek....

Lelouch blinked. He shouldn't be thinking these thoughts. Not now, when only Lelouch was aware of their predicament. He shook his head. He couldn't be thinking these thoughts ever. He needed to get away, flee Suzaku and the changes that had been slowly tearing them apart from each other even while Lelouch wanted to hold onto him. There was no going back—not for Lelouch.

It would really be best if he just killed Suzaku himself. Logically, it was the best and easiest option. The KMF was only as good as its pilot and certainly Suzaku was an exceptional pilot. One of the biggest obstacles that faced the Black Knights and Japan's bid for freedom. And Lelouch should have every right to kill Suzaku—it wasn't difficult to construe the situation as self-defense. They were only both here now and alive because of Lelouch's actions, because Suzaku had tried to kill both of them. So, really, Lelouch should....

His fingers twitched as he straightened up and leaned in closer to the body. There really was no option, right? He saw his hands as if they were not his own. Gloves? No, no, if he really meant to do it, it should be with his bare hands, right? They shook as he relieved himself of his gloves. His heart thudded distantly in his ears echoing the soft sound of leather dropped to the floor. There wasn't a choice—only logic and carnage could rule his actions. He had already made that clear once before; no turning back, no feeling. Again, his hands moved out, fluttering lightly over the chest, reaching for the neck. They settled like a slack noose against warm skin. Lelouch's heart skipped a beat, his chest jerking, eyes wide, his breath coming in with a drawn gasp and held.

Suzaku groaned lightly.

The movement shocked Lelouch enough that he jerked his hands back following through with his body so that he fell backwards, his head hitting the side of the control panel. It throbbed with an intensity that dimmed against the horrifying realization of what he had nearly done.

But he hadn't. With a rush of relief, Lelouch knew he couldn't. He wouldn't ever be able to extinguish that spark of Suzaku. It may be detrimental to his plans, but... but there were just some things that even Lelouch couldn't do. And that would have to be okay.

He sighed and leaned back, relaxing a little a relief flooded through his jarred system. Only human. He let his gaze fall onto his friend again and smiled. He'd keep Suzaku safe for as long as he could while it was within his power.

As if in response, Suzaku groaned again. Lelouch wondered if he was going to wake up and then what Suzaku would say in response to a smiling Lelouch dressed in Zero's clothes while they both sank beneath the waves of an unrelenting ocean. For some reason, Lelouch didn't mind anymore. He couldn't be blamed for dying, right? And if he had to go... maybe being with Suzaku wasn't such a bad way to die in the end.

Suzaku's brow drew together, and the formerly unconcerned body tensed. A shudder slipped through Suzaku's body, a tremor that was echoed underneath Lelouch's skin as a ripple of desire.

Lelouch waited—one hopeful breath, another—for Suzaku's eyes to open, for the game to be up, for the relief of recognition. Suzaku didn't oblige, his eyelids staying closed with dark lashes against youthful cheeks.

Would they die this way? With Lelouch forever waiting for the truth to out and the end of his lies? Would Suzaku ever wake?

The thought struck a chord somewhere deep in Lelouch's chest underneath his slipping mask of carnage incarnate. It was as if realizing that Suzaku could not be killed by his hands meant that Suzaku must live through everything else. Lelouch would not allow Suzaku to die. The words he had blurted—Live on!—had come from a place deeper inside himself than he had imagined. It wasn't just that he couldn't kill Suzaku, it was that Lelouch desperately wanted Suzaku to live. It was hope for a future they could share without lies. If Suzaku died before that....

He swallowed. He hadn't known of his words until they'd left his mouth. He hadn't thought it through. And now... here was Suzaku before him, vulnerable in what was perhaps their last moments together.

Lelouch had to wake him up. He had to tell—

Another groan issued from across the cockpit, Suzaku's face drawing together in a pained expression and his slickly clad body shuddering. Lelouch's eyes widened. It looked... as if... Suzaku... were hurt?

Before he could blink, Lelouch was again hovering over Suzaku. His fingers slid lightly over Suzaku's torso, shoulders, arms, neck, checking for tender spots, bruises, blood, broken parts. He slowed as he reached Suzaku's head, allowing his pale digits to thread carefully through Suzaku's hair. His concern for Suzaku's well-being barely won out against Lelouch's inner desire. Having found no blood or injuries like his own that he had suffered inside the Zero mask, Lelouch let his eyes graze over Suzaku hungrily for a moment. That flawless jaw line, the twists of hair that fell in disarray across his brow....

"Suzaku..." he breathed. He slipped his arms gently around his friend, laying his head against Suzaku's chest, warm and comforting through the thin pilot suit. If Suzaku really were in some kind of pain, it was likely mental or emotional. And Lelouch would hold him carefully, a reassuring hug to calm Suzaku's wild thoughts.

Suzaku's shoulders tensed and he shifted against Lelouch. "Nnh...."

The movement made Lelouch's pulse quicken and stomach curl with heat. What would Suzaku think if Lelouch could awaken him now? And how...?

Lelouch looked up, stretching along the outstretched form, drifting just above Suzaku's skin until....

It would either be like a fairy-tale or a tragedy, Lelouch thought absently, his eyes focused intently on the structure of the boy before him. Was Suzaku his Sleeping Beauty or Juliet? A kiss to awaken? Or thus with a kiss... to die? There was only one way to find out, and Lelouch realized he didn't want to lie, didn't want to wait anymore. He just wanted and it was overpowering, like a sweet drug or gentle poison that he couldn't resist.

Lelouch dipped his head over the Japanese boy's, lowering his mouth to Suzaku's lips. His first impression was how they were chapped and slightly rough, but just pliable enough for a small breath of air to escape in a low moan. Lelouch's stomach tightened, and he pulled back, knowing that if he didn't, he'd lose control and drown in Suzaku before the waves could swallow them both.

Lelouch's head spun with passion, his senses tingling and reeling. His eyes felt luminous and his breath heavy as he surveyed the shifting boy under him.

Eyelids shook, fluttered, and opened dreamily to dark green eyes. Unfocused, they blinked, then so painfully slow, they settled onto Lelouch's face, recognition quivering just below the surface and then, the sudden widening, the intake of breath, the unformed question—

OXYGEN LEVELS NEARING CRITICAL.

Silence echoed inside their little world as the Knightmare Frame's predicament washed through their minds, emptying out the other side in the face of each other.

"Le... louch..." Suzaku whispered, his voice a mixture of wonder, horror, and finality. His eyes remained fixed horribly on Lelouch's dark eyes and parted lips.

Lelouch's chest thumped uncomfortably, and he was suddenly gasping for air despite knowing they both needed to conserve it—Suzaku had woken to the reminder that they were running out. But how could Suzaku look at him like that? When what Lelouch felt was so different?

"Suzaku, I—" Lelouch couldn't begin or finish; he could hardly breath, his emotions flooding out of him as if they could replace the depleting oxygen. His breath caught suddenly and his chest shook from the force of holding everything in. The dam was about to break. His arms shakily left Suzaku's side to wrap around his own torso to keep from falling apart. With eyes squeezed shut, Lelouch slumped into his own tightening, vise-like embrace. He didn't have enough time to explain and if Suzaku felt anything, it would only be hate for the body wrapped in Zero's clothes. He must have hit his head harder than he had thought. How could he have ever expected a fairy-tale after everything he'd done to lead to this tragedy?

How could he have let it come to this? In the end when all he had wanted was.... A silent, dry sob wracked his body violently as he felt his built world crash down.

Stronger arms encircled Lelouch's frail body and warm breath tickled his ear.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

The voice ached and soothed all at once. Lelouch was aware of being too open, and tears slid down his cheeks in response to the query. He buried his tears in Suzaku's neck, his arms unwrapping from himself and he suddenly clung to Suzaku for life. Live on, his mind whispered.

Suzaku didn't ask again. His body was hard against Lelouch's weakness, tense where Lelouch couldn't bring himself to be any longer.

"We're dying now, aren't we?" Lelouch asked wearily. "It... doesn't matter anymore."

A dark-skinned finger plucked at his purple and gold collar. The voice that followed was as hard as Suzaku's chest. "It's always mattered."

"I wasn't talking about—" Lelouch stopped himself. Of course Suzaku had been referring to Zero, not Lelouch's feelings. His tears stopped, his heart dropped. Had he even been aware of Lelouch's kiss? Was there any point bringing it up at the moment? A cold cruelness clamped over his heart and he felt like laughing. Ah, of course, Suzaku was more Britannian of the two in the sinking cockpit. Lelouch's fingers released their life-grip on Suzaku's suit and he shook limply with a wild mixture of laughter and sobs.

"Lelouch?" Soft, laced with concern and bewilderment. Lelouch couldn't quiet himself to answer; now that his emotions had been released, they ranged out of control.

Suddenly, strong fingers were gripping his chin, forcing his wild violet eyes to look up into pools of green. Lelouch's face was still wet with tear-streaks, but some force within Suzaku's eyes made him freeze. His breath caught in his throat, and his heart betrayed his earlier coldness by firing to life, beating in time to Suzaku's strength and beauty.

"Tell me everything now," Suzaku commanded and there was no refusing him.

Lelouch nodded complacently, his eyes still transfixed by something in Suzaku's. The remembered feeling of relief bubbled slowly underneath him as a reminder. This was what he wanted: the release of letting go of the lies. There were no consequences anymore... not when all he faced was death. So why not? Why wait?

"I... want you," Lelouch stated simply, letting it encompass everything. He wanted Suzaku for himself, but also for the Black Knight, for Japan, for the world to recognize. He wanted Suzaku passionately, desperately, and against his logical mind. He wanted to be with Suzaku, connected emotionally, mentally, physically, however he could. He wanted Suzaku's dark skin, bright eyes, lean muscles, soft hair, sweating body, and boyish smile. He wanted Suzaku's heart, his relentless drive for goodness, his burdened soul, and his constant friendship. He wanted Suzaku to always be there, to understand, to forgive, to love, to hold onto, to live on. He just wanted Suzaku and everything he had been, was, meant, and could be.

Lelouch swallowed gently, his eyes searching for a kindred spark in the glimmering green of Suzaku's soul. There, the momentary shock, as such a confession must warrant, but then... compassion. A tender softening of all Suzaku's features and even his arms held Lelouch closer.

"That's... everything, isn't it," Suzaku responded, a terrible sadness etching onto his beautiful face. The lines of thought were sinking in, slowly like the memory of a half-recalled dream. His eyes glanced at the Knighmare's console to the ticking countdown of the oxygen levels. "We... don't have any time left, Lelouch."

Suddenly, everything felt like it was breaking—Suzaku's voice, Lelouch's heart, their shared frustration, guilt, pain, and love. The knowledge that if only he had acted earlier, if Suzaku would understand without death closing in, if those choices hadn't been made, if Lelouch had allowed himself to be human, if Suzaku had allowed himself to admit mistakes, if either of them had apologized—_what if_?—was tearing him apart from the inside.

Suzaku leaned down and kissed him.

It wasn't perfect. It wasn't like his imagination or his dreams. When he had dared to let himself imagine being with Suzaku, it had always seemed so brilliantly perfect, every moment highlighted with trust and freedom. Every moment had been just right. Suzaku's skin had been warm and smooth, his hands had known all the right spots, his mouth had whispered all the right words. But in reality... Suzaku's skin was hidden beneath a Britannian uniform, his hands held Lelouch too gently because they both knew they were breaking, and his silent voice hinted at words they could never say. The constrained space of the Knightmare's cockpit and the ticking countdown to asphyxiation were constant reminders of poor choices and the memory of their fall.

So Suzaku kissed him, and Lelouch felt the terror of starting something just to know it would end. Knowing that it would never be like his dreams, that there would always be something horrible looming over the two of them, but yet how he couldn't break away from such sweet poison. How much he wanted Suzaku and how much he wanted to live. It hurt to feel so good. It wasn't perfect, but it was real.

Suzaku's teeth caught on his lip and Lelouch moaned, a tear slipping from his eye as he squeezed it shut. His fingers clenched into whatever part of Suzaku he could reach, turning his knuckles white, and Suzaku plunged his tongue into Lelouch's mouth. Urgency and franticness replaced all doubts and suddenly Suzaku's hands were everywhere, unzipping Lelouch's jacket, slipping though his hair and running along his jaw. Lelouch couldn't think, only move, and wound his fingers through Suzaku's soft curls. Pained gasps for air filled the cockpit as they shifted awkwardly and fiercely against each other. It wasn't comfortable; it was intoxicating.

Lelouch's breath came in heavy pants—he needed air, he needed Suzaku, he needed release, he needed life. He didn't know which way was up, but Suzaku was touching his stomach and sliding a hand below his waist, under his pants, to the only place Lelouch was hard against Suzaku's firm muscles. No words echoed in the small space, but Lelouch's cry was wordless and rebounded when Suzaku seized him and began rubbing along his length. His breath came in hiccupping moans and gasps. He writhed against Suzaku's strong form, drowning in his tragic delight and the knowledge of Suzaku's own need for his body. There was a blunt hardness between Suzaku's legs that Lelouch pressed himself into, grinding against so that Suzaku had to shift around the pilot seat. Using his power over Lelouch's body, Suzaku twisted the smaller boy around, a hand still in Lelouch's pants, and pulling Lelouch's back close against his body. Lelouch cried out again as Suzaku's free hand landed on his hip, pulling down all the material of Zero's costume, baring pale skin. The cloth caught on his erection and Suzaku's pumping hand unexpectedly and Lelouch's knees almost gave out, leaning back into Suzaku for support. Suzaku's hardness pressed into him from behind, closer and firmer, but still held back tightly by Suzaku's suit. Lelouch's hips were rocked by the motion of Suzaku's hands and body, and he was lost, drowning in sensation.

He felt the hand leave his hip, heard the sound of the zipper below Suzaku's hot and wet breaths in his ear and felt the pilot suit part along his spine. Lower and lower until Suzaku's hand again brushed his bare backside, and Lelouch shook. Hot skin pressed up flush against his own, and another throb of desire wracked Lelouch's body.

Sticky with sweat and lust, Suzaku pressed himself closer, pushing painfully in inch by inch. Lelouch screamed out into the closed confines, his pleasure ebbing for a moment with the intrusion, but a quivering shudder from behind and the renewal of Suzaku's sliding gripe on his own hardness jerked Lelouch back into ecstasy. Without a second thought, Suzaku was pounding deep into him, painfully satisfying with every stroke. His blood pounded, his thoughts disappeared, his body swayed in the rhythm to the only thing that mattered as the pressure built up inside Lelouch. Suzaku's beats increased their intensity, his hands gripping tightly and with one sudden plunge, he held himself deeply in Lelouch with searing cry and the pressure peaked.

For a split second, Lelouch held every sensation in sweet agony at once and then it all came pouring out of him in a blinding rush of white light.

They held onto each other's sweating bodies in a lightheaded daze, collapsing onto the pilot seat. With a lazy jolt, Lelouch wondered if they would ever catch their breaths. He realized he didn't care anymore. Contentment settled over him like a poisonous fog and he breathed deeply. He felt his body begin to shut down.

The slow depletion of oxygen replaced with carbon dioxide usually meant a peaceful death as the asphyxiated person fell into a dreamless sleep, the spark of his logical mind reminded him.

Ah, good, Lelouch thought and let himself drift away into oblivion.

**XXX**

"Lelouch?" Suzaku asked in the dim light of the Lancelot. The boy on his lap didn't move and Suzaku pressed his head against his newly-made lover's.

Something stickier than sweat caught in Suzaku's hair. He blinked, freeing a hand and touching it to the clumpy strands of Lelouch's black hair. His fingers came away a dark red. Blood.

Suzaku Kururugi became angry at the world. His wrath knew no bounds in that moment and something beyond instinct kicked in. He would not die here, he could not, and he would bring Lelouch with him as he fought tooth and nail for survival.

Suzaku's vision turned red and his movements became quick and efficient. His suit was zipped up, Lelouch's clothes replaced, the Zero helmet noticed, picked up, and replaced over Lelouch's face. It would prevent Lelouch from breathing in too much ocean water while unconscious. With one hand supporting Lelouch's unconscious form, the other flew over the Lancelot's consoles.

OXYGEN LEVELS ZERO.

Suzaku ignored the Lancelot's warning. He had already taken his last breath for a moment. He pushed a final button.

Water rushed in violently as the cockpit opened. Suzaku kicked off with his feet, one hand pulling Lelouch along with him.

Natural buoyancy told him which way was up as Geass directed his movements. With stubborn survival instincts, Suzaku struggled for the surface, towards a gentle lightening of the dark waters around them.

He saw it above him, the silver lining of the reflection of clouds. He reached out, red shining along his eyes and knew he wouldn't make it at his current pace. Without thinking, he let go of the hand he pulled along. His new strokes towards the surface were stronger, but...

...it wasn't enough. Suzaku's mouth opened unwillingly and ocean tears rushed in. He choked. He couldn't breath. He couldn't see. He couldn't remember. Something drove him still to clamber towards the surface blindly. Nothing moved. Everything moved. He gasped in air. He gasped in water. Dark became light. Light became dark. A wave washed over him. Water thrust him under into an eternity. He lost all track of space, time, life, and death. He felt nothing. He felt everything. He body bent. His mind broke. A wave washed over him.

Suzaku remembered himself with the feeling of sand underneath his head. He looked up at the sun and couldn't remember how he had gotten on the beach. Pieces of dreams floated away with the receding tide and Suzaku didn't have the energy to grab at them. He lay on the sand, staring up at the sun, and wondered why he was crying.

**XXX**

Down on the beach, Lelouch vi Britannia opened his eyes and sat up. His head ached ferociously. How had he managed to survive the Avalon's blast? Where was he now? Was it just another part of the island?

He frowned, taking off his helmet and prodding the soreness on his head. It stung with ocean salt and told Lelouch it was more than just a bruise. How long had it been since he had sustained that injury? He consulted himself clinically; he must have had a concussion, with resulting retrograde amnesia of the time around his head injury. It was a fairly common occurrence with blows to the head.

He sighed and picked himself up off the sand. He would have to contact the Black Knights to figure out what he had missed or forgotten. He stared out over the ocean for a moment, his thoughts drawn to the last memory he was sure he held.

_Live on!_

For some reason he couldn't comprehend, the idea made Lelouch smile. If Lelouch had managed to survive the Avalon's cannons, then surely, surely Suzaku was somewhere out there.

**XXX**

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_As always, thanks for reading, and I hope you don't mind leaving a review. :D_


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